“Hey. Hey, Becky.”
“Yeah, Brain?”
“You’re asleep right now.”
“Yup. Finally. I’m so glad I’m over my recent insomnia. So, you got any good dreams for me tonight? You’ve been lacking in the originality department lately. It’s getting kinda boring.”
“Oh, man, you are so lucky. Tonight is YOUR NIGHT, Becky. I have the most amazing dream prepared for you.”
“SWEET. Hold on, let me pull up a chair. Tell me all about it. I’m so excited. I’m overdue for an awesome dream.”
“So, you know that one Internet friend you have? The one you met up with awhile back? The one who looks kind of like that one chick you think is so unbelievably gorgeous? The one who’s on Game of Thrones?”
“Natalie Dormer? The one who shaved her head and looks all cool as Cressida for the next Hunger Games movie?”
“Yeah, that one.”
“OMG, Brain, am I going to meet her in my dreams? THIS IS GOING TO BE SO COOL!”
“Well, not quite. You know your friend who looks sort of like her? FyyahChild?” Well, she’s gonna be in it.”
“Oh, sweet. FyyahChild’s one of my favorite people!”
“Yup. Only, it’s gonna be a naughty dream.”
“…… Oh. Uh, okay. Ummm…. I didn’t know I swing that way? And even if I did, I didn’t even know I felt that way about her? This is coming as kind of a surprise.”
“Dude, just bear with me. This dream gets good. “
“Okay? … I guess?”
“Yeah, so, in this dream you guys are hanging out and talking. You’re, like, on a lakeshore, camping or something. And she’s got this boyfriend. And he’s, like, totally hot. He looks like that one guy you had a huge crush on in high school? Just like him, only this guy actually has nice eyes.”
“Alright, Brain, now we’re talking. Except… shouldn’t The Bean be in this dream if it’s a naughty dream? I’m feeling a little weird about it.”
“Hold your horses, Becky. I’m getting there. So anyways, there’s FyyahChild and this guy, who is totally hot, and they say that since the three of you get along so well, and everyone’s so close, they kind of want you to be, like, their third, if you know what I mean.”
“…. Brain, that sounds like I’m cheating on Joe. I mean, I’m seriously weirded out.”
“No, Becky. Roll with it. They want you as a monogamous third. They’ll even use the word monogamous lots of times, so you’ll feel comfortable.”
“I guess? Except … except aren’t I married?”
“You’re dreaming. Look down – see your body? You look like you’re 15 again. It’s cool. Quit worrying about it.”
“I know I’m dreaming, but I’m pretty sure I’m actually married in real life. I’ve got this feeling that I am, and that this really isn’t cool.”
“Becky, I told you. It’s a monogamous threesome.”
“No, seriously Brain. Stop the dream. I’m literally going to put a pause on this dream and figure this out. No, quit your complaining. You shouldn’t spring stuff like this on me when I’m about to wake up – you know I can totally do that lucid dreaming thing when I’m about to wake up. If you didn’t want any input then you should have started it when I was deeper asleep. So, even if the three of us are all monogamous together, aren’t I still married to the Bean?”
“Technically, yes, but…”
“But if I’m sleeping with other people, it’s totally cheating. That’s not who I am.”
“But you’re a monogamous threesome.”
“I mean, that makes a weird kind of sense in dreamland, but I can’t shake the feeling it doesn’t make any sense in real life. Brain, I need to run this by The Bean first to make sure he’s okay with it. I really don’t think he’s gonna be down with this idea.”
“He’s cool with it. See? Read this. It’ll explain everything.”
“Brain, the letters are sliding all over the page. I can’t make it out. What does it say?”
“Try harder, Becky. Just read it and you’ll totally get it.”
“….. okay, I literally cannot read this. Is that… is that a “4”? You can’t writes words with numbers in them. I’m so confused right now.”
“Good. Anyways, you have the paper that explains it but you’re just too lazy to read it and that’s not our fault. Besides……shouldn’t you make sure the whole idea is a good one, before you ask him? It’s like test-driving a car, right? Why bother bringing it up to The Bean if it’s not even gonna work out?”
“…. I guess? I mean, I think that makes sense?”
“Becky, it’s a dream.”
“Oooooh, yeah. That’s right. It’s a dream. This makes total sense. Wait, I’m feeling lost – what were we talking about?”
“Nothing. Sit back down and enjoy the rest of this scenario. Anyways, so you’re totally agreeing to this monogamous threesome thingie with them. And that guy, he’s totally playing with your hair the way you like?”
“Mmmm…”
“And then he’s all running his fingers over your back, and over your ribs, and he’s also giving you a back massage while FyyahChild’s talking to you?”
“Mmmm…. what’s she saying?”
“Who cares? Doesn’t that back massage feel good?”
“It suuuuure doooooes….Mmmmmm.”
“Anyways, since you’re on board, and you’re all hot and bothered right now, how about you give this threesome thing a trial run, Becky??”
“MMMMMM. Okay. Sure. Brain, this is amazing. Keep it coming.”
“Okay, so here goes, Becky. Brace yourself for your first threesome dream – you’ve made it to 33 years old without having a dream anything like this before – it’s gonna be so good. Anyways, are you ready?”
“Yeah!”
“Okay, Becky, now there are four little boys running around you. They’re really hyper, and super noisy.”
“Wait. What??”
“Don’t you remember? Squid and the DragonMonkey are here, and they haven’t had lunch yet so they’re hyper and crabby, and how could you forget that you were babysitting your friend’s Claire’s kids?”
“What? I don’t remember this at all? I thought we were—“
“QUICK! ALL FOUR BOYS JUST RAN PAST YOU! OH, CRAP, THEY’RE RUNNING STRAIGHT TOWARDS THE WATER – THEY’RE GOING TO DROWN! THEY’RE GOING TO DROWN! THEY’RE GOING TO —-Oh, phew. FyyahChild just got up and is taking care of them for you. Isn’t that nice?”
“…. Yes?”
“Wasn’t that so nice, knowing that someone else is helping you babysit four boys?”
“….I guess?”
“Oh, here – you take the youngest boy, Adam. He’s super sleepy and needs to be rocked to sleep – FyyahChild will watch the other three boys while you rock him to sleep.”
“Uh… okay. Uhm, Brain? What happened to that totally hot guy who looked like that one guy in high school I had a crush on?”
“Oh, he’s totally gonna keep giving you a back massage while you rock Adam to sleep. I mean, we all know Adam’s super big for a three year old and your neck and upper back are totally gonna hurt otherwise. Doesn’t that feel good? Yeah? Don’t you like your threesome?”
“….. I guess? I just…. I just thought it would be a bit more…. racy?”
“Oh, Becky. Why would I give you a racy dream? You’re kind of fat. And, honestly, at 33 you’re not really porn star material anymore. You’re a 33 year old mother. Did you really think I was going to give you a sex dream?”
“You know, Brain, you’re being kind of mean. And yes, his hands feel good on my shoulders – Shhhh, shhhh, Adam. Shhhhh, go back to sleep – but just because I’m a fat mom doesn’t mean I want to sit around and dream about mom stuff. You promised me a naughty dream. This is kind of boring.”
“Becky, you practically drive a minivan. You don’t need dreams like that. This is as good as it gets, so just shut up. “
——
And then I got so angry at how boring my dream turned out that I literally woke myself up, because THIS? THIS WAS MY IDEA OF A THREESOME?
I mean, I was uncomfortable with the whole concept and didn’t actually want to do it…..but am I really THAT boring? That was the best alternate scenario my brain could come up with? I could have done anything… I could have turned into a secret government assassin. I could have turned into a superhero capable of flying, or a cowboy living on the range, or an arctic explorer, or a horse, or a mountain climber, or a space ninja.
But noooooooo. Apparently, having someone help me babysit and getting a back massage is as deep as my hidden fantasies go. What’s next on the dream horizon? A pulse-racing, edge-of-your-seat-thriller about cutting coupons?
Man, I need to get out more.
