Things I learned today instead of Physiology:

Useless Fact #1: There’s a guy in the Music Lounge, and his parents are, like, totally f***ing going, like, out of town for three whole f***ing weeks? And that’s totally f***ing awesome. Three whole f***ing weeks. He is SO going to have the biggest f***ing party.
Note: I was invited to the party because I couldn’t stop staring at said guy, and I believe that he misinterpreted my interest. I was starting at him because he had the weirdest beard. It was two parallel lines of a beard, about an inch apart, following his jawline and leading up to his goatee. I couldn’t figure out how he managed to create it… If he shaves, how does he manage to make the lines so straight? Does he wax? If he does wax, does he tell his friends? “Gee, Bob, I’d love to get together and get drunk tonight and ogle women, but I’ve got a waxing appointment at the local salon, and my skin will be all red and sensitive.”

Useless Fact #2: I am not alone. There are other terrible students out there in the world, who are just as scattered as I am, and they appear to be succeeding. I have hope! No, seriously, for those of you who know me…. look! I found my twin sister! Check it out:

Mood Swings in Med School

Useless Fact #3: My left arm has a wrinkle on the forearm, but my right arm does not. Strange.

Useless Fact #4: I now, officially, have two grey hairs. I am twenty-five, after all. My first grey hair came in when I was 22. I named it after my ex-boyfriend. I’m not sure who I blame this hair on. Maybe I can name it Miss Fussy, the Fidgety Finance Follicle? I need money.

Useless Fact #5: Nobody gave me a million dollars over the weekend. I checked my bank account. It’s still near empty. Darnit.

Useless fact #6: The music lounge is one of the only places on campus that has comfortable chairs to sprawl on. Unfortunately, the music lounge’s definition of what is “music” and my definition of what is music really differ. I learned today that the music lounge actually caters to the student’s desires, when several people near me squealed in excitement when their “favorite” song came on… (it sounded exactly like the four hundred other pulsating rap songs that they’d played). The highlight of my afternoon came about the time the group of girls began laughing and singing along to the following lyrics (this is the stanza I purposefully set to memory):

I don’ want you ’round me no mo
Get away from me b****
I don’t want yo’ (crude reference to the female anatomy) no mo’
F*** you, b****

Oh, yeah, that’s MY favorite song, too. Weirdos.

Useless Fact #7: No matter how hard I try, I can’t move my pinky toe. On either foot. But I can spread my left big toe a little further than my right big toe.

Useless Fact #8: If I squeeze my calf, I can see cellulite underneath the skin. Great. Now the cellulite has moved from my heiny, down my thighs, and is invading my lower legs.

Useless Fact #9: There are a lot of time-consuming, really interesting blogs out there in the world. It’s much more fun reading other people’s blogs than actually living my own life.

Useless Fact #10: After completely WASTING your study time by screwing around and doing everything but studying, when you board the bus to go home you should dig around fruitlessly in your pocket for your misplaced bus fare. If you dig long enough, random strangers on the bus will pay your bus fare, because you’re such a hard-working, industrious little student.
Note: It’s important to be holding your big, heavy bags of schoolbooks. They make you look important, and studious.

So, crazy young woman that I am, I’m back in the hiring process to be a 911 Dispatcher. Of course, it’s not exactly by choice— as a poor college student with “Moderately low” credit and no cosigner, I need a job if I want to continue with luxuries such as eating and paying rent. So, it’s back to work I go!

As much as I’d love to get a job at a local Starbucks (free coffee while you’re on shift!!! Who can deny the lure of such a wonderful thing?), I would like to make the most money/hour possible. I sat down and mapped out my finances, and as far as I can tell, I’ve boiled it down to a series of simple equations:

Food + Rent + University = Becky Needs More Money.

Now, if you increase the left side of the equation by a factor of STARBUCKS, I’ve found that it more than doubles the results of the right hand side. This can be expressed as follows:

STARBUCKS + Food + Rent + University = Becky Needs Massive Amounts of More Money

See? It’s all about simple mathematics. And my mom worries that I don’t spend enough time figuring out my finances… Pthht!

Now, as far as how many hours per week I’ll have to work in order to meet my financial goals, I’ve discovered an interesting fact: The wage of the job is inversely proportional to the amount of hours I need to work, which in turn is directly proportional to the amount of naps/day I can take. Here, let me illustrate with a simple example:

Now, Bill Gates hears about my passion for reading useless fiction books. After mulling this over for some time, he comes to the conclusion that all of Microsoft’s problems can probably be solved by having me hang around in his office, reading various books. In fact, my presence is ABSOLUTELY crucial to the continuance of his business. Realizing that, Bill Gates telephones me with an offer: In exchange for one day per month of hanging around in his office reading the latest best seller, he is willing to pay me, oh, thirty thousand an hour. It take some convincing, but eventually he does manage to talk me into taking this important job (actually, Bill Gates begs me on bended knee, his voice cracking slightly from the fear that I won’t help him.) Now, because this wage is more than adequate for my needs, I don’t have to do very much work.

Higher Wage Earned = Less Hours worked

Now, through my newly acquired wealth I’m able to purchase a car (YAY!), a personal chauffeur (So that I can do homework on long trips), and move closer to campus. In fact, I would probably hire a personal cook as well… and a housecleaner…. and…

Okay, you get the point. My newly acquired wealth frees up large chunks of my day, and enables me to purse an avenue of my life that is in desperate need of attention: My daily naps.