At this point I don’t even know how many thousands of words I’ve typed into unpublished blogposts that will never seen the light of day.

To save on your eye strain and my boredom at hearing myself whine for paragraphs upon paragraphs, here is the one sentence summary of all the posts you guys will never read:

I’m having twins, and while I’m not excited yet, I’m finally feeling less dread about the prospect.

Yup. That’s me – I’m making my bid early for next year’s Mom of the Year award.

Isn’t that a heck of a thing to admit out loud? The words “dread” and “kids I’m gonna give birth to” probably shouldn’t ever go together. I feel a little guilty even writing them. These are people inside me. People, who for the first few years of their life will think I hang the sun/moon/stars…. and I’m admitting that I’m dreading their arrival. What a terrible emotion for anyone to have, much less their mother.

And for the record, when my twins stumble upon some ancient cached copy of my blog a couple of decades from now and try to use this against me in court to force me to pay their therapy bills… Sorry, guys. I really don’t mean it personally. It’s just…. at this point you’re not really individuals to me – you’re just the tiny little invisible people inside me who seem to relish making me sick.

I’ve spent the last six weeks or so alternating between freaking out and feeling guilty about freaking out. Seriously, if “oh, no, I’m bringing two babies into a happy family instead of just one baby” is the worst of my life’s concerns, then I’d say my life is pretty good. I don’t feel like I’ve earned the right to freak out.

It’s just… two of them. TWO. At once. For, like, ever.

It surprised me when The Bean was the first one to climb aboard the “Woo-Hoo! Twins!” Train. It didn’t take him hardly any time at all. By the time the evening of our first ultrasound rolled around, he was already chugging along and picking up steam and grinning over, “two babies!”

It’s just…. ugh. Pregnancy has never been my favorite state, and twin pregnancy is just so, so much worse. It feels a lot like my body has been hijacked, and I’m just being dragged along for the ride. Plus, it’s honestly a little bit lonely. I’m too sick to go out there and arrange playdates, so most of the time it’s just me, the dogs, the kids, the living room, and occasional trips to throw up all over the toilet.

I had all of these plans of enjoying my third and final pregnancy, being comfortable with the familiar…. and, well, those plans obviously fell by the wayside.

In case you’re curious, I’m here to tell you that, so far, a singleton pregnancy vs a twin pregnancy feels a lot like the difference between a deer in a petting zoo and a petting an Alaskan moose with rabies. Also, the moose thinks you’re out to get her baby. And you’re trapped in an elevator with her. And oh, look – she just snorted a bad batch of cocaine.

I did what I always do when feeling lost… and I tried to make sense of it via the internet. I’ve spent hours trying to find online blogs about moms experiencing twin pregnancy, but I’ve discovered that twin moms who blog come in three flavors:

1. The “Fit Pregnancy” Mom: I admire fit pregnancy mom…. but it’s disheartening to see women in bikinis two weeks after giving birth… or, heck, two weeks before giving birth. I’m not bitter/jealous of them – I’ve skimmed their blogs, and they’re out there doing hours of pilates while 8 months along. Dude. They’ve earned their flat belly. They’ve really, really, REALLY earned it. It’s just…. I don’t feel much kinship.
2. The “I’m Doubly Blessed!” Mom: I think these make for beautiful blogs, and I’m not trying to disparage them, because I think it’s a great perspective to have…. it’s just that reading them makes me feel guilty. I want to be immediately happy with the news of having twins. I think that’s a great response. I know I should feel like that… but if I felt like that already, I wouldn’t be out there Googling inspiration.
3. The “Dead Twins” Mom: HOLY CRAP, there’s a lot of those out there. I feel like their blogs should come with some kind of a trigger warning: “Don’t get attached to this mom’s pregnancy. Trust us. It ends horribly.” I try to avoid those for obvious reasons.

Anyways, that’s where I’m at. I’m starting to come around now that I don’t feel so terribly awful all the time – vomiting is now down to only once or twice a week, which feels AMAZING! I’m 18 weeks along which is kind of considered the halfway point for twins – if I haven’t given birth by 38 weeks along (March 11th, I think?) then they’ll schedule an induction.

I’m not very big on inductions and interventions, but my new perinatologist doctor was very firm but polite on that aspect: If I disagreed with the “not past 38 weeks” aspect, she would be happy to recommend some other doctors to me who would be willing to see me.

The stubborn part of me considered it, but not only does she seem very competent/intelligent, she is a big fan of “no C-sections unless absolutely necessary, even for twin moms” (HOORAY!)… AND she has tiny, slender little arms.

The last part is important, because here’s what happens a lot of the time when you give birth vaginally to twins. After the first twin comes out the second twin is usually (more often than not) not in a good position for giving birth. Either they were breech (feet first) to begin with, or transverse (laying all sideways across the top), or they rotate into a weird position once they find themselves with all sorts of legroom after their sibling comes out.

Luckily for me, my doctor is very skilled at breech extraction.

Isn’t that a nice, scientific term? “Breech extraction” It sounds so much better than “I’m very well trained at putting on the LONG rubber glove and plunging shoulder deep into your nether regions in order to haul out your stubborn, sideways unborn child.”

Like this, only sexier. Because nothing says sexy like an entire arm up your crotch.

At my first appointment with my new doctor she was trying to gain momentum in order to talk me into an epidural (I really didn’t want one with Squid, but finally gave in after the first 31 hours)… and I had to cut her off. “Look, lady, I’ve watched the Youtube videos. I’ve seen how far you’re going to go spelunking. I do NOT want to feel that without epidural.”

Anyways, that’s the glamorous reality of my new life: I watch Youtube videos of doctors shoving arms up women in order to haul out slippery, screamy children, I get nauseous every night, I collapse in bed by 9pm every night in a sleep so deep it might as well be a coma, and I lay in bed awake from 3am to 5am every night (morning?) for no particular reason.

I also spend a lot of time trying to put off making difficult, soul-wrenching, adult decisions: Do I try to find someone to lease Caspian for me, or do I simply put him up for sale?

The lease makes the most sense to my heart, although writing the Craigslist ad is still surprisingly difficult. It’s necessary though. I’ll be going down to only 10 hours a week at my library job, which means a 50% reduction in pay at a time when we’ll have more expenses than ever.

Selling Caspian makes the most sense, but tears at my heart in a way I try not to think too much about.

It helps if I think of numbers: I won’t be able to go to the barn without hiring a babysitter (an impossible extra cost) or depending on my mom – The Bean’s only home by 7pm three or four months out of the year – the rest of the time he’s home around 9pm – way too late for me to go riding.

Board (plus farrier, plus feed) averages out to $350 a month.

And then there’s the numbers of actual horse time: the chances of me getting any significant, regular horse time with a set of twins (not even factoring in the fact I’ll have four children. FOUR?! ) before 2017… or heck, 2018? It’s not that great.

If I’m considering numbers it helps for me to pick a date at random: let’s say 18 months after giving birth. By a year and a half the twins will be toddlers – hyperactive but more manageable in terms of having a schedule and sleeping through the night and not relying on me making milk for them 24/7.

That’s 22 months from now, give or take.

If Caspian sold today, in 22 months I could be saving $7700 in horse board… at a time when we’re really, really going to be needing the money. That’s money which could be applied towards our new vehicle (we have to get rid of my Scion XB – it doesn’t fit four car seats), towards diapers (I’m going to try to do some cloth diapering, since twins use about 500 diapers a month, but still, it’s gonna cost!) or most importantly, it’s $7700 which could be spent on catching up on some of our debts.

Then again, if we’re thinking about numbers….

It would be 2017 or even 2018 before I seriously considered buying another horse.

2018 before I could own a horse again.

That’s such a terrifying thought to me that I do my best to just put it out of my mind, a la Scarlett O’Hara.

If I leased him, even a half lease, I could apply the money made from my library job (the money left over after babysitting expenses) towards half his board. But what if the lease went sour? What if they injure him by hot rodding him around the arena? What then?

Wait. Hold on. Waaaaaaaait. Seeee??? Do you see why I haven’t been blogging? I have no interest in becoming Twin Mom Variation #4: Mom Who Only Sees The Dark Side Of Twins And Complains A Lot.

Anyways, that’s what I’ve been up to lately. I’ve been going through the house and making Goodwill trips like crazy as I try to make room for the impending influx of baby accessories. I’ve been eating… and then puking, and then eating again.

On a shallow side note – all of the twin books like to emphasize how hard it is to gain weight while pregnant with twins, and I am here to tell you… they’re absolutely right. Between the puking and my food aversions and the simple fact that there’s two tiny little people inside me sucking out all my nutrients, I’ve only put on 9 pounds… and that’s WITH me deliberately eating high-fat items like fettucine alfredo with butter steak on top. I think I gained 9 pounds in the first week with my previous two pregnancies, so it’s kind of a nice side benefit.

I’ve also been getting regular ultrasounds – my next one is on November 6th. So Twin B’s gender is still up in the air, but it’s been confirmed that Twin A is definitely a boy.

Unknown gender Twin BB using his/her brother like the world’s most comfortable beanbag.

So, now I’ve got this whiny post out-of-the-way, and you’re all up to date. I can go through my drafts folder and delete the rest of my “what am I going to doooooo” type posts and move on with writing about things that make me happy.

What have you all been up to?