Category Archives: Embarrassing Stories

Dear Office LookyLoos

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4

Duuuuuude.

I am SO sorry.

Look, there are people who can puke quietly, and there are people who can’t.

As I’m sure you’re all aware by now, I can’t.

I am not one of those quiet, dainty pukers.

I wish I was, though. Trust me, I’d much rather head into the bathroom and deposit my breakfast/lunch/snack/whatever into the toilet with nothing more than a delicate cough. It’d be awesome. I could be, like, a dainty little geisha of morning sickness.

But I’m not.

I’m so sorry. For both our sakes.

Look, I’m sorry that it sounds like I’m waging a great and epic battle. I’m really not. There’s no angry horde that I’m fighting against. There’s no bellowing minotaur attacking me in the bathroom stall.

It’s just me. Puking. And I know you don’t believe it, but I’m really trying to be quiet about it.

Sorry.

So now that I’ve explained myself, do you think it’s possible that you could stop crowding around the door of the bathroom, whispering in awe? It’s kind of embarrassing enough as it is.

Thanks!

Skittles

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5

Gross.

I’m sorry, guys. I don’t know why I’m telling you this, but I am.

So, this weekend I had a unique puking experience. I was sitting in front of the computer when I suddenly realized I had made the huge mistake of letting my stomach get slightly empty.

On a side note: Dear Squidgelet. You are the size of a kidney bean. Do you have any idea how pathetically small that is? I know you don’t want to hear this, but really. C’mon. Do you REALLY need me to eat every 45 minutes? You do realize that one bite of a hamburger would be enough calories to feed you for a week, right? If you’re really worried about our supply, have you even taken a moment to look around? Don’t you see that gigantic bubble butt Mama’s carting around with her? I assure you’ve I’ve packed away ample supplies for, oh, two pregnancies. And a small third-world nation. Seriously, kid. Lighten up. I’ve got this whole not-starving thing under control.

Anyways, like I was saying, I had committed the cardinal sin of not cramming food down my mouth for at least an hour. CRAP. Desperate, I lunged at the nearest bit of food I could find— which just so happened to be an opened bag of Skittles.

Cool. It’s not often that you can find uneaten candy lurking around the Bean household, so I definitely hit jackpot. I wolfed the package down rapidly, and sat sweating in front of the computer, trying to see if I had eaten in time.

I hadn’t.

Right about the time I felt that weird, prickly, cold sweat start on my upper lip, I knew. So, off to the bathroom I dashed, scrabbling to tie my hair back in a scrunchy. I made it, but just in time.

And do you know what?

Skittles puke is rather artistic. The colors mix together like a vibrant little easter egg, and it’s actually quite pretty.

No, no, really. It is.

No, REALLY. I’m being serious here.

I want you all to know that I came THIIIIIIIIIIS close to hollering at the Bean like an excited pre-schooler when I was done. “Bean! Come in here! Look what I made!”

What made the whole experience even a little more fun, was the entire time I was heaving into the toilet, I heard that darn girl’s voice whispering in my head. Sigh.

I’m such a victim of marketing campaigns.

“Skittles. Taste the rainbow.”