The hard drive on my laptop died.

Luckily I had backed up everything onto Google Drive.

Only… only I did it wrong.

I knew I did it wrong.  I knew I’d moved everything around to the wrong area, and I knew I needed to fix it, and I just kept putting it off.

And then the hard drive on my laptop died.

One book survived.  The other…. the other didn’t.  It’s gone.

It wasn’t finished – maybe only 3/4 done?  And let me just be honest – it wasn’t great.  It needed a ton of rewriting.

Still.  60,000 words gone, as if I never even typed them.  I feel a bit like I’m in mourning.

How he looked at home, versus how he looked at school.

Wait… you want me to put my nipple where?

You were cute, sure,  but I just wasn’t overwhelmed with this unbelievable love for you right from the start.  You were more like some kind of cute baby that someone had asked me to babysit… only they weren’t coming to pick you up.  Ever.  And holy crap, what was I supposed to do with you?

Sorry, kid.  Postpartum depression is a helluva thing.  But, you know, I didn’t leave you on anyone’s doorstep while I ran away to Montana, and that’s something, right?  And I eventually got better at the being a mom thing… and you got cuter:

And then one day I realized I did love you with all of my heart, even though you were never exactly an easy baby:

Albeit an angry little person.

And then we decided that since we’d done such a great ruining your life, we might as well get accidentally pregnant and ruin another kid’s life, too.

They don’t last long. And heck, nobody’s happy all the time.

You’re an awesome big brother.

And just a great little kid.

And when I dropped you off today, I may have shed a tear. Or three.

But now I’m headed to the barn to ride my horse, and when I get in the car I’m gonna blast some Jim Croce, or maybe some Jack Johnson, and as I drive I’m gonna sing at the top of my lungs because YOU AND ME, KID, WE SURVIVED EACH OTHER.

And if that doesn’t deserve some celebration, I don’t know what does.

Dear handsome man in the tight pants at Winco,

I’m sorry.

I really am.

In retrospect, I don’t blame you for shooting me a weird look and walking away.  I would have walked away, too.  I even feel a little sorry for you.  I mean, you were obviously about to buy some kind of meat.  I noticed you pondering the choices out of the corner of my eye as I walked up to stand beside you.

I wonder, were you going to buy a steak?  Maybe you were going to enjoy one of the dwindling days of summer and grill it up on your BBQ? Maybe you were going to buy some stew meat, and make something in your crockpot the next day?

I’ll never know, and I guess neither will you, since I chased you away.

It wasn’t my intention at all.  Really.  I’m doing so much better than I used to.  Please, you gotta believe me.  It’s just….

I mean, have you ever seen ground beef packaged like that?  I haven’t. Usually you only see it in those three pound sausage-casings of ground beef, you know?  But this was, like, the mother of all ground beef packages.  It was crazy.  I can’t remember the exact weight, but it was, like, somewhere between 10 and 20 pounds of ground beef.  I didn’t even realize that they could sell that much ground beef at one time.

And have you noticed that the price of beef skyrocketed this year?  It’s crazy, isn’t it?  When I inquired about price-per-pound at my local fair, did you know I found out that all the beef had already been sold ahead of time?  People were getting the same price for their beef cattle without “dressing them out” on grain as they did for “finished beef” last year.  I wonder why it’s so expensive this year?

But you know, I’ll never know how you feel about that, because I chased you away from the meat section of Winco.  I chased you away, and you left empty-handed, and for that I’m really sorry.

It’s just… dude.  Had you ever seen a tube of ground beef that was so big?  It was insane!  It was, like, almost too big for me to carry with two hands.  Like, I couldn’t even wrap both hands around it, and the packaging had to have been about 2 feet long.  Who needs that much ground beef at one time?

And the price was discounted!  They’d dropped the price from $31 to $21!  At that price, it was almost cheaper than chicken.  What the heck happens to ground beef to make it that cheap?  Would I give us all food poisoning if I bought it?  Was it worth it?

And so, mesmerized by the price per pound, I approached the meat display area beside you. And at first… you know, it was okay.  You were standing there, doing your thing.  I was standing there, doing my thing…

And then I started talking out loud.  To myself.  I know, I know.  It’s a horrible habit, and I really need to quit it.

“Wow.  That is just a really impressive tube of meat.  It’s just so… so thick!  Look at it.  Wow, it’s so big. That’s a lot of meat.  Wow.  Look at the… circumference?  What an impressive tube of meat – just a big, huge, hunk of impressive meat.  I bet I couldn’t even wrap my hands around it, it’s so thick.  That is just really impressive.”

And I don’t blame you for the look you gave me before you walked away.  I really don’t.  I know there are a lot of off-color stereotype jokes about black Americans, but I assure you, I really was just looking at the ground beef.  I mean, I would hope that if I were actually flirting with you I’d do a better job than that… but yeah, I get it.

Just… can I ask you a favor?

Can you never go to that particular Winco, ever again?  I think it’s best if we never see each other, ever again.

And again… sorry 🙁