Look, I’m not a CPA.  In fact, I can’t imagine me ever being an accountant, unless someone hired me to deliberately screw over an enemy by haphazardly trashing their books.  If you came to this post because you want to know about the ins and outs of the daily life of a CPA, then Google led you astray.

What I can tell you about is what it’s like to be the wife of a Certified Public Accountant.  I know all about that.

Well, I mean, I think I know all about being a wife of a CPA… I mean, I’m still married. I think? His name is Bean, and he’s… uh… he’s got brown hair?  And maybe his eyes are brown?  I mean, he did come home last night.

Well, I mean, I hope he did.   I definitely remember someone coming home last night, although I can’t tell you exactly what he looked like, since he crawled in after I went to sleep and then dragged himself out of the house before I woke up in the morning.  I hope it wasn’t a weirdo  breaking into my house.

Oh well.  Even if it was a weirdo, the dog didn’t bark at hi,  he didn’t steal the covers or the TV, and he kept my feet warm. I guess it doesn’t really matter.

All joking aside,  I haven’t actually seen the Bean during daylight hours in days… maybe weeks.  I got so lonely for him that I waited up for him the other night, and the two of us sat down to a lovely dinner at a little after 11pm.

And by “lovely dinner” I mean he heated up some top Ramen and I ate a bowl of cereal, because we’re both just so stinking exhausted that the idea of cooking makes us want to cry.

If your spouse is looking into being a CPA, here’s some of the down-to-earth details to help you understand a little more about it.  Also, Bean, yes, I’m sure I’m going to get a lot of the technical details wrong.  I suppose I could ask you to proofread it before I send it out… but it’s busy season, and if I put one more thing on your plate I think you’re going to go postal.

1. Accounting is split into two fields:  Private vs. Public.  Private accountant people have lovely boring jobs, with lovely boring 9-5 hours.  They max out pay-wise at about $100,000… maybe $125,000 a year?  That’s the super high end of the field, though… usually it pays a lot less.  I have no idea what the starting pay is.  All I know is that they start out paying more than public accounting, but the end game is also a lot less money.

   If you’re looking for info on private accounting, look elsewhere.  This info is all about public accountant CPA.

2. Public accounting is further broken down into two fields:  Tax vs Audit.  Audit people travel around and, well, audit people.  Tax people mostly stay in their own office and deal with taxes.  Shut up – I know that’s common sense, but I had no idea what accountants actually did when I first started this whole gig.
3. The Bean is a tax accountant, so all I know about audit accountants are the negatives – mainly, why he didn’t want to become one.  The reason why is simple:  Travel.

   If you are are going into public accounting to get your CPA and work in audit, you’re gonna travel.  It sounds exciting at first, but what “travel” means is, “Hey, get on this plane, and go live in the cheapest hotel room we thought we could get away with, and then go audit this company and hang out with total strangers for 2-3 weeks, pawing around in all their stuff while they kind of resent you…. and then right about the time you start settling in, we’ll let you go home and relax and then you get to go somewhere else and see the inside of another office building in a different city.. hooray!”

   You won’t actually get a chance to sight see, because of the hours.  And speaking of hours…

4.  Don’t worry – there won’t be any over time unless you really want it.
   

   Ah, sorry.  I crack myself up.

   Look, I don’t care what the firm you’re looking into is saying. They can claim to care about family all they want… You are going to overtime, and you are going to have lots of it. You are their slaaaaaaave. You will live and breathe that company during busy season… which, technically is only supposed to last 3 or so months out of the year, but for some reason it’s really like 8 or 9 months out of the year.

5. Salary vs Hourly:  Look.  GO WITH HOURLY.  It’s rare, but there are firms out there who offer it.  GO WITH HOURLY.  Why?  See post above.  Many firms claim they’ll max out at 45 hours a week.  It’s so not true.  But they’ll offer a really nice salary compared to the hourly places… I’m here to tell you the hourly places pay better.
6. Tax accountants can mostly be divvied up into three fields:  large corp, mid corp, and start-ups. You also have tax guys who individual returns, but that’s kind of a different thing.  I’d tell you more, but it’s super boring to talk about.  There’s a reason I didn’t find any pictures of sexy male accountants, you know?
7. There are only two busy seasons, and those revolve around the two big deadlines:  March 15th and September 15th.

   The first tax deadline for businesses is March 15th – this is a soft deadline.  Basically, your spouse is gonna work like crazy to try to get everything completed before March 15th, and then somewhere around March 13th they are gonna get really fatalistic and start saying things like, “Oh well.  September, I guess.”  Then they file an extension, and life goes back to normal…. until late July happens, and all of a sudden everyone realizes HOLY CRAP THERE’S LESS THAN TWO MONTHS TO SEPTEMBER 15TH.

   Busy season #1 lasts from about the last week of January through March 17th or so.

   Busy season #2 lasts from about the third week in July through September 16th. There is no extension past September 15th, so just… just try not to be pregnant, or have a newborn, or have anyone die around that time.  It’s super inconvenient to have to face those things by yourself, you know?

8. I was joking about “only two busy seasons”.  Once your spouse gets done with those deadlines they will be dragged over to help the floundering individual tax accountants.  It doesn’t matter if they’re business tax vs. personal tax (deadline of April 15th) – they’ll get sucked over there anyways.  And once those deadlines are passed there are these things called “provisions”.  I don’t know exactly what a provision is, but roughly translated it means “HAH, you thought busy season was done, but you guys seemed too relaxed so now we’re just going to invent some imaginary deadlines three or four times throughout the year so tha you don’t actually get to relax. Ever.”
9. Hours:  Even during the slow season the hours are kind of crappy.  It’s like… everyone wants to stand out, and the only way to stand out is to work really long hours.  I get excited when The Bean gets off work at 6pm.  HOLY CRAP.  6?  THAT MEANS HE’LL BE HOME BY 7.  DUDE.  BOYS, COME OVER HERE, I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!  YOUR DAD’S COMING HOME EARLY!  YOU’RE GONNA SEE HIM FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR BEFORE BED!  I KNOW, I’M EXCITED, TOO!
10. CPA Test:  In order to get your actual CPA license you have to pass the CPA exam and work for 1 year at an accredited (or whatever) accounting place.  The CPA exam is divided up into four parts, and you have to wait a certain amount of time in between each test.  Only… only they have these magical “black out” months where nobody is allowed to take the exam – and, of course, those are the months where it would be perfect for you to take the exam.

    Anyways, it’s the bane of your existence, because HOORAY! YOU GRADUATED SCHOOL! YOU’RE FINALLY DONE WITH STUDYING…. except you’re not.  In fact, it felt like the CPA exam was more frustrating than any class The Bean ever took, because trying to cram in studying in between deadlines was more stressful for him as well as the family than any midterm and finals he ever had to take during college.  The CPA exam is comparable to the bar exam.  The best way it was described, by someone who took both tests, was that the bar exam’s material is an inch wide and a mile deep, whereas the CPA exam is a mile wide and an inch deep.

11. Vacations:  If your company lets you, take them in October or November.  December’s also pretty laid back.  So is May, and a little bit of early June.
12. Labor Day:  The most aptly named holiday ever.  Your spouse will be laboring while everyone else is enjoying a lazy three-day weekend right before school starts.  At least the money’s good?
13. Valentine’s Day:  That day in the middle of the first busy season where everyone on Facebook either posts a picture of hearts and roses or a funny picture about being single and hating Valentine’s Day.
14. April 11th:  My wedding anniversary that I will never, ever, ever get to celebrate ever again, because WHAT KIND OF IDIOT GETS MARRIED TO SOMEONE STUDYING TAX ACCOUNTING ON A DATE WHICH OCCURS FIVE DAYS BEFORE THE INDIVIDUAL TAX DEADLINE? I should have gotten married on the 16th, instead of choosing to get married on a Friday because I liked the bristly way “11” looks.  Stupid Becky.
15. Fixed Assets:  Fixed assets will be the bane of your spouse’s existence.  I’m not even sure what a fixed asset is.  I mean, the Bean has explained them to me before, but I always tune out about three words in and start daydreaming about how pretty Morgan horses are.

    All I know is that businesses never get them right, and if you say the term it sounds like you’re listening.  Seriously, all you have to do is say it with a rising inflection at the end.  Not only do you sound smart, but you sound like you’re paying attention.

    The Bean:  “Somethingsomething, boring, somethingsomething, was gonna be home at five but then waa-waa-trumpet-sound-Charlie-Brown’s-teacher-makes something.“

    Me:  “Fixed assets?”

    The Bean:  “YES.  Somethingsomething, fixed assets, somethingsomethingsomething!”

    Me:  “Beer?”

    The Bean:  “I love you.”

    And people say marriage is hard work. Pah.

16. Firm Fun Days:  This is the firm’s way of deliberately flipping you off and letting you know how much they resent you.  Okay, maybe that’s not REALLY the purpose, but that’s what it feels like.  Did your spouse just spend 97 hours straight with his coworkers to meet the tax deadline? Have you not seen him before 10pm in weeks?  Well, then, in order to celebrate the end of them being gone all the time… the Firm is immediately going to steal them for yet another evening. Because nothing says “thank you” like making you sit at home all night. Alone. AGAIN.
17. Drinking:  DUDE.  Accountants are partiers.  I’m serious – this isn’t a joke at all.  I mean, you would expect cops, or firemen to get off work and go party hard.. but accountants?  It was just a total shock to me.  I’m not saying they get themselves booby tassels and hats with motorized propellers on top… but it’s definitely more of a drinking culture than I was anticipating.
18. Money:  The money’s good.  I mean, there’s a reason everyone puts up with all of that stress over something as boring as excel spreadsheets, right?  Here’s the thing, though:  You’re not gonna make money at first.  I know the figure varies, but most places are going to offer you a starting salary between $40 and $45k a year.  I know that sounds like great money, and it is totally awesome money when you’re 23…. but to a person in their 30s with a family and a ton of financial aid debt, it’s not that great.  Plus, if you (the spouse) are planning on working, you need to find a job to accommodate a single parent’s schedule, because that’s essentially what you’re going to be several months out of the year.

    Anyways, eventually you’re going to make money.  You’ll get your yearly raises, and your promotions, and while it’s a slow start at first, after the first few years the money begins to add up fairly quickly.  Still, I think it’s a game the firms play – or rather, gamble at.  Most public accountants drop out before they’ve been there five years.  There’s a high turn-over rate, especially at the 2-3 year mark, where you’re doing the job of someone whose been there much longer, but you’re still making pretty crappy money.  Five years may not seem that long on paper… but it’s a long, long time when you’re dealing with constant stress, lack of sleep, and looming deadlines.

    The thing is, after ten years?  You’re making bank. And by bank, I mean you’re making BANK.  I have no idea what a partner actually makes… but I’d guess (and this is an educated guess) that it’s in the $300-500k a year range?  Of course, you’re not going to make partner just on hard work alone – you have to have great business savvy and really stand out, but still.  I wouldn’t be surprised if most of the people who have 10 years experience make $150-200k a year.  That’s not bad for a four year degree.

This is the saddle I use to ride Caspian:

It’s the best kind of saddle:

 It’s a loaner from my mom until I can save up for a saddle I really want.  After that I’ll sell it for what she paid for it:  $200.  Cordura saddles are kind of magical – they’re lightweight, never seem to get scuffed, or age, or anything.  Even better, the saddle mostly fits Caspian, and it doesn’t hurt me, and it’s not too small.  Win, win, win.

Unfortunately, it’s also the worst kind of saddle – something about the flat way it sits on his back makes me feel completely unbalanced, like I am about to fall off at any moment.  I’ve never ridden in a saddle that made me feel more unstable – I mean, even when you’re bareback, you can at least sink down into their back a little bit.  Not this saddle!  This saddle makes me feel like I’m balancing on top of a comfortable piece of plywood on top of his back.  It doesn’t hurt, but I feel off balance.

But…. but…. but

So, I use it, even though my very first “let’s see how fast he can stop” at the Mugwump Clinic resulted in me somersaulting over Caspian’s head.  The saddle keeps me honest – I always feel a little bit like I am about to fall off, so I don’t push things.  In other words, I don’t pick fights with Caspian I don’t feel like I can win.

On the one hand, it makes me feel like a wimp.

On the other hand, it has forced me to work on my basics.  And I need to be honest – after so many years of borrowing horses, I have a lot of basics that need to be worked on.

Here’s the thing I’m proud of:  after a year of riding in it… I finally feel steady and secure.  In fact, the other day when Caspian spooked at some invisible critter and tried to squirrel out from underneath me… I stayed on.  Easily.  It felt a little bit like the cheesy finale to a Hallmark movie – by golly, I finally had my seat back, and I had my crappy saddle to thank for it.

Still… that didn’t keep me from drooling over saddles every chance I got.  I mean, let’s all face it:  We all have a saddle or two (or three?) we’d love to own one day.

And then I turned 33…. and my favorite birthday gift this year was very boring in the grand scheme of things.  There was nothing to open.  There was nothing to touch.  My boys were not very impressed at the idea of a concept gift.  I think they thought I’d been duped.

And what was the gift?

My parents’ gift to me was to offer me an interest-free loan so I could pick out the saddle of my dreams.  I’ll be paying them back monthly.

I have to admit, when they offered me this gift, it felt a little bit like when I discovered I was going to own Caspian – wait.. What? Now?  This dream’s coming true now?  But… but I’m not ready yet!

I’m not very good with making big decisions like this – I tend to daydream about things forever, without actually taking any steps to achieve them.

And now I live in Oregon, with a nice vehicle, and a nice  house, and a sexy, sexy beast of a horse:

And now I’ll be getting the saddle I’ve always wanted.

You know, I just realized I need to come up with new aspirations, because I’m pretty sure I’ve achieved all of them.

Anyways, enough backstory.  Here are the details:

I’m ordering a Specialized Saddle – a 17 inch Eurolight.

Why Specialized?

I’m going with a Specialized because I hate saddle shopping.  The underside of Specialized saddles have removable shims which you can add or remove to adjust the saddle fit.  I figure I have the best chance of this saddle fitting Caspian, and eventually another horse if/when that time comes.
If you’re confused because you have no idea what I’m talking about, don’t owrry – I’m going to take tons of photographs and do a very boring “look at my saddle” blog post when I get it, so I’ll just show it to you then.

Anyways, Specialized has several different types of saddles, but as far as why I chose the Eurolight option, well….If all the cool people ride a Eurolight, then I want also!

I’m being serious.   I have quite a few internet friends who are riding in a Eurolight, and they do way more miles than I ever will, and if the saddle is holding up for them and they’re still happy….

And, well, if Funder and Aarene and Ruth and Llytha are gonna jump off a bridge, I wanna jump off that bridge, too.  After all – they’ve probably put a lot of thought and effort and hours of research into choosing the best bridge to jump off of.  I’m not following them out of a desire to be cool – I’m following them out of laziness.

I wish I wasn’t investing in a new saddle.  What I really wanted was a used 17 inch Eurolight… but either they don’t exist and I just gave a fake company a whole bunch of money, or nobody ever sells one. I know there are no used 17 inch Eurolights because I’ve been looking for one for two years – I’ve been searching Craigslist nationwide, and been stalking endurance sites, and looking on Facebook tack pages, and nope.  Nobody sells them.  EVER. I almost considered squeezing into a 16 inch.  It would almost fit at the weight I’m at right now, and who knows?  I  might get all trim and fit and one day wish my saddle was a 16 inch.  I used to ride in a 15, after all…..

But between you and me, if there’s anything more depressing than out-fatting your saddle, I don’t know what it is. Believe me.  I know.  I’d much rather get a 17 inch and have to use sheepskin and bucking rolls to make it smaller than get a 16 inch than to have it be too small on a day when I’m feeling fat and depressed.

So, I’m happy to tell you that after weeks of waiting, the saddle finally arrived in the mail the other day:

Yaaay.  A “saddle”.

Why is there only a weird saddle tree with only some unfinished leather stapled on it, instead of a saddle?  Well, the first answer is that Specialized really ought to consider going back to something other than staples cuz staples are kind of chintzy,  but that’s not really what we’re talking about,

The real answer is that I’ve decided to go a little crazy. 

You know how they tell you not to count your chickens before they hatch?

Well, I’ve counted my unhatched chickens.  In fact, I haven’t just counted them… I’ve named them, and sewed them little outfits, and built them little houses, and….

And you get the point.

Here’s where I decided to be very, very unwise.  Before I say how I’ve been unwise, and before you guys start rolling your eyes at how dumb I am to customize a saddle I’ve never even tried on my horse….

You need to look at these pictures:

1890s saddle that had been burned in a fire.

 “Burned” 1890s saddle, fully restored.

I have no idea what you can use a leather box for.  All I know is that I want one now.

Are spiky arm bracers “in” yet?  No?  Can someone let me know when they are?  

I feel like every trip to the grocery store would be made 200x more awesome if I could wear spiky arm bracers as I go up and down the aisles. 

I love that they can make the metal parts to match the scrollwork – the idea of getting custom conchos is a bit appealing.  

 (This is saddle is, I kid you not, 7 inches.  IT’S A LITTLE BITTY SEVEN INCH SADDLE.)

 Aarene – these are normal boots that had attachments sewn onto them to morph them into
 Kraaken pirate boots. I’m not even into pirate paraphernalia, and I wanted a pair.  What a cool concept – get the boots you find comfortable, and then just add an attachment to make them neat.

” ‘I love you Sorsha?’ I don’t love her, she kicked me in the face! I hate her… Don’t I?'” 
Okay, I know it’s not REALLY Madmartigan’s helmet… but I love it all the same.  

For the record if you don’t love Willow, then you’re not a friend of mine.

There’s two pictures of this leather bracer because it’s the item that’s responsible for this whole foolish idea.  

 Now do you see?  Do you SEEEEE why I decided to be foolish and pay someone to tool a saddle that I’ve never even sat in, let alone placed on my horse?  I mean, when you’re dropping more money on a saddle than you’ve ever spent on a horse, what’s a couple more bucks, right?

  Leather Art and Design.  It’s a company based out of St. Helens, Oregon, and when I saw that picture of the bracer on my Facebook feed one day, something in my heart kind of went THUMP THUMP, and I realized… huh.  It’s not that I don’t like leather and leather tooling… it’s that I don’t really care for the traditional western florette stuff. 

So… I asked Specialized Saddle to ship me undyed, untreated leather, and they did.  Last week I dropped the box off at Leather Art and Design and asked them to come up with some kind of design to put on the saddle.

Well, I take that back – when I first approached them about the idea, they asked me to bring them some ideas of things I liked, so they could get a feel for what I was looking for.

I balked at first – it’s not that I have no taste.  It’s that I have too much taste.  If you took a Punky  Brewster outfit and then vomited a bunch of gypsy scarves and leather bracers and carhartt vests on it, I’d probably squeal like a schoolgirl and buy three, but only if it came with teal-colored leather high tops.  Planning the minutiae of a leather design is SO not my forte.  Still, both Laura and Erik from Leather Art and Design insisted, so like the dutiful woman that I am, I immediately created a Pinterest page and began pinning. 

And Pinning. 

AND PINNING.  

I was so proud of myself when I came in with my board full of colorful, swirly designs.  “Look!  I really like the look of this gypsy stuff – it’s so cool.  And there’s this steampunk stuff over here that’s totally awesome.  And then there was this kind of, I dunno… medieval looking stuff? I’ve got a bunch of pictures of that, and OH!  LOOK!  I loved this celtic type stuff…”

I looked up at Erik, who was looking a little horrified.  “Those are all very different designs.”

“Yeah, I know, but they’re all REALLY COOL, aren’t they?” 

“Well… I think you should pass on steampunk for a saddle, although it’s up to you….  How do you feel about baroque, or–“

“Yeah, but LOOK!  It’s got all these little gear shift thingies, and the swirly designs, and OH, look at this – it’s got a little “V” thingie that you could maybe put on the back of the saddle, the, uh, cantle?  Pommel?  I dunno.  And I love the swirly knots and the squiggles over here, and that border thingie with the lines over there?   Or whatever.  Oh!  Look at this elvish archer costume.  It’s so cool!  I love how it looks….AND LOOK AT THIS, IT’S A LITTLE BITTY STEAMPUNK R2D2.  If you get bored, you could always stamp one of those in somewhere, I don’t really care where.  He’d be my saddle friend.  And I could be all, ‘Hey R2D2… wanna canter?  Beeep beeep boop?  Yeah?  You do?  Well…”

I trailed off and looked at Erik, who by that point was no longer even looking at the screen.  In fact, he looked almost green as he stared down at the innocent little leather pieces he had in front of him, probably trying to avoid imagining the desecration I was describing.. 

I took one last look at the mismatch of disjointed items on my magical Pinterest board of ideas.

And then I looked at the classy, gorgeous items around the store, and the way the designs on everything just flowed together so nicely.

“Hey, Erik?  Why don’t we just go with our original plan?  Where you do whatever you think is cool, and I’m sure I’ll love it, no matter what it is.”

I swear, I’ve never seen anyone so relieved to not have to put a tiny little steampunk R2D2 on a saddle.

But guys, between you and me, it would have looked awesome.

Anyways, now I’m in a holding pattern – after they create a design, I will give them the “okay”.  They’ll stamp it into the saddle, at which point I will mail the saddle back with 400 types of insurance on the package, just in case… and then Specialized will finish the leather, assemble everything, and mail it back to me. 

It’s gonna look so awesome.  Of course, between the extra tooling and the shipping and the wait times, I probably won’t get the saddle until I’m 47, but I’m hoping it’s totally worth it.  And I swear, if the saddle doesn’t fit Caspian, I’m gonna have to sell him.

I think we all know I’m totally lying about selling him.  Also, yeeeees, no helmet, but… 
but John Norling Photography was there, and his daughter had a cape, and… 
and now I have a picture of me on a unicorn, and it was so worth it.