Dear handsome man in the tight pants at Winco,

I’m sorry.

I really am.

In retrospect, I don’t blame you for shooting me a weird look and walking away.  I would have walked away, too.  I even feel a little sorry for you.  I mean, you were obviously about to buy some kind of meat.  I noticed you pondering the choices out of the corner of my eye as I walked up to stand beside you.

I wonder, were you going to buy a steak?  Maybe you were going to enjoy one of the dwindling days of summer and grill it up on your BBQ? Maybe you were going to buy some stew meat, and make something in your crockpot the next day?

I’ll never know, and I guess neither will you, since I chased you away.

It wasn’t my intention at all.  Really.  I’m doing so much better than I used to.  Please, you gotta believe me.  It’s just….

I mean, have you ever seen ground beef packaged like that?  I haven’t. Usually you only see it in those three pound sausage-casings of ground beef, you know?  But this was, like, the mother of all ground beef packages.  It was crazy.  I can’t remember the exact weight, but it was, like, somewhere between 10 and 20 pounds of ground beef.  I didn’t even realize that they could sell that much ground beef at one time.

And have you noticed that the price of beef skyrocketed this year?  It’s crazy, isn’t it?  When I inquired about price-per-pound at my local fair, did you know I found out that all the beef had already been sold ahead of time?  People were getting the same price for their beef cattle without “dressing them out” on grain as they did for “finished beef” last year.  I wonder why it’s so expensive this year?

But you know, I’ll never know how you feel about that, because I chased you away from the meat section of Winco.  I chased you away, and you left empty-handed, and for that I’m really sorry.

It’s just… dude.  Had you ever seen a tube of ground beef that was so big?  It was insane!  It was, like, almost too big for me to carry with two hands.  Like, I couldn’t even wrap both hands around it, and the packaging had to have been about 2 feet long.  Who needs that much ground beef at one time?

And the price was discounted!  They’d dropped the price from $31 to $21!  At that price, it was almost cheaper than chicken.  What the heck happens to ground beef to make it that cheap?  Would I give us all food poisoning if I bought it?  Was it worth it?

And so, mesmerized by the price per pound, I approached the meat display area beside you. And at first… you know, it was okay.  You were standing there, doing your thing.  I was standing there, doing my thing…

And then I started talking out loud.  To myself.  I know, I know.  It’s a horrible habit, and I really need to quit it.

“Wow.  That is just a really impressive tube of meat.  It’s just so… so thick!  Look at it.  Wow, it’s so big. That’s a lot of meat.  Wow.  Look at the… circumference?  What an impressive tube of meat – just a big, huge, hunk of impressive meat.  I bet I couldn’t even wrap my hands around it, it’s so thick.  That is just really impressive.”

And I don’t blame you for the look you gave me before you walked away.  I really don’t.  I know there are a lot of off-color stereotype jokes about black Americans, but I assure you, I really was just looking at the ground beef.  I mean, I would hope that if I were actually flirting with you I’d do a better job than that… but yeah, I get it.

Just… can I ask you a favor?

Can you never go to that particular Winco, ever again?  I think it’s best if we never see each other, ever again.

And again… sorry 🙁

Anyways.

Porn for 19-year-olds:

And then McStudface Handsomepants pulled Falina BigBosom into his strongly muscled arms, sliding a hand down the taut curve of her waist as his mouth trapped hers.  Desire exploded between them, passion igniting their flesh as they molded their bodies together. Despite the fact they dangled from harnesses hundreds of feet in the air and wind tore at their clothes as the rescue helicopter flew them to safety, they were so caught up in the feel of each other they were unaware of anything else. Neither of them noticed as last of the bombs exploded in the distance,  decimating the entire village of evil politicians and complacent, materialistic adults.

Falina BigBosom had always known she was born for something special, but she’d never dreamed she would single-handedly cure cancer by ridding the world of every bad guy ever born… there would be peace on earth now.  The word was finally saved, not that she was thinking about her heroism right then… all that mattered was the feel of the McStudFace Handomepants pressed against her and the way his touch lit her body on  fire….




Porn for 25-year-olds:

And then I found a one bedroom apartment for the same price as my old studio, and it allows pets with no deposit… oh, yeah…. no deposits, and no breed or size restrictions.  Yeah, baby, that’s right… this means I can work less hours and still have savings.

I’m gonna take it even further….the apartment comes with a parking space and a built-in washer and dryer, right there in the house… Mmmmm, No parking tickets, and dat washer/dryer right in the house….. any time I need to, I can just wash my clothes in the comfort and safety of my own apartment… oh, yeah.    I’m gonna wash them… I’m gonna wash those dirty clothes so hard….




Porn for 35-year-olds:

Wait… what?  You’re switching our insurance plan over to government benefits?  $10 emergency room copays, and that’s all it will ever cost us?   WHAT?  The benefits include a vision, dental, and one of those sweet retirement plans where they force you to retire early but keep paying you a salary anyways? AND you’re giving me a promotion and a raise?  AND you’re going to pay for me and the whole family to do a 6 month tour of South America, Europe and Asia, just to get a better feel for the international side of the business?  




Porn for Moms:

The afternoon breeze lifts the sheer curtains, bringing with it the scent of salt and sea.  The french doors are open, the veranda overlooking an empty stretch of beach – deserted stretches of sand, sea and the occasional palm tree, as far as the eye could see.  The island is empty, and it should have been lonely, but the dull crash of the crystalline waves against the sandy shore is soothing in the near silence. 

I step back into my room, my body aching from the hours of early morning swimming, my skin tingling from the hours I spent in the sun – hours that magically tanned my skin without giving me any wrinkles or skin cancer.  I’m clean – scrubbed with expensive bath products I’ve never used before, so my hair is doing that soft, frizzless thing that it only does when I take a shower at someone else’s house.  Silky strands slip around my bare shoulders as I pull on a comfortable tank top… a tank top that doesn’t need a bra but still manages to hold up my boobs so they don’t sag and make me feel gross . Despite the heat of the day the room is cool – minimalist in nature, yet still opulent.  The floors are clean, the walls are clean, everything is clean, and I didn’t have to lift a single finger to make it that way.   A wide-bladed fan rotates lazily over a giant, double king size bed with cool, white sheets and a cool white comforter.  There must be an air conditioner, not that I can hear it over the steady sound of the waves and soothing silence – how else would the room be so cold?

I slip into bed, goose bumps dancing over my arms at the initial chill as I huddle beneath the blankets. What time is it?  What day is it?  I don’t know.  I can sleep as late, and as long as I want, because somewhere, in some magical laboratory, some scientist has linked how much I rest with with how intelligent and well-behaved my children will be.  How many days in a row have I napped?  I have no idea, but at this rate, my boys are going to be the Mother Theresas of the Mensa Society.  And as my eyelids close and I slip into sleep, my last thought is of nothing – nothing at all.  There is only the dim, clean room, the afternoon breeze, and the sound of the sea in my dreams.