Monthly Archives: February 2012

….And the Winner Is….

Posted on by
17

Alright, alright.  I get it.

“Guess That DragonMonkey” was a total flop.  I only managed to get two videos of him – one from two months ago where he’s mumbling halfheartedly while burying his face in his dad’s neck….

And then there was Saturday morning’s video, where he looks straight at the camera and enunciates so clearly that it looks like I turned off the camera right before he launched into a rousing rendition of the Gettysburg Address.

Seriously, kid… you had to pick that ONE time to enunciate clearly?  I gave you free reign to mumble as much as you want, and all of a sudden you’ve developed the magical ability to say your “R”s and your “L”s, as well as every consonant in between?

You just wait.  I’ll get you back for this.  One day soon you’ll be in high school, innocently trying to fit in with all the cool kids.  You’ll be standing there, awkwardly posing and doing your best to be part of the crowd… and suddenly you’ll see me.  I’m going to dash onto campus and run up to you and all of your friends in the lunch area and hand you the lunch you forgot at home.   It will be a delicious, nutritional lunch.  And I will pack it in a pink My Little Ponies lunchbox.

Also, I will be wearing a large sombrero. 

You know – to shield my eyes from the sun.

 What, sombreros aren’t “in”?  Sweetie, Mama doesn’t like the sun in her eyes.  Here’s your lunch, lovebug.  I packed it extra special for you.  What’s that?  You don’t want to give me a kiss in front of your friends?  Awwww, hi guys!  I’m DragonMonkey’s mama!  I love my little boy so much… you guys be nice to him, okay?  Love you, DragonMonkey!  Have a great day at school.  Oh, here, wait…. Let me lick my thumb and try to dab at the imaginary spot of dirt on your cheek.  Okay, got it.  Love you!  Adios!  Ai-yi-yi-yi!

Revenge is a dish best served with a heaping side of humiliation.  Just you wait. 

Wait, where was I? 

Oh, yeah, that’s right. 

We’re moving!

If you remember, staying forever in California was never the plan.  I wrote about it here , and we meant it.  The Bean and I even made a trip or two out to the Phoenix area to look at where we would want to live, and we finally settled on Queen Creek.  The homes were a great price, it was a very horse-friendly community, and we both immediately felt at home beneath the wide-open blue skies and sun-baked desert earth.  There’s something about that desert that calls to both of us.  It seemed like the perfect fit.


So, naturally, we’re moving here:

Because, you know,  Phoenix and Portland are practically the same place.

They’re, like, both in the United States. 

They’re even on the same western half.

And they both begin with the letter “P”.

Can you believe it? 

The similarities are almost eerie.  It kinda makes the hair on the back of your arms stand up, doesn’t it?

The Bean and I realize this is a big decision, and a huge departure from what we originally had planned.  Sure, he might have received a fantastic job offer from a really great accounting firm.  And yes, the move satisfies my number one requirement, which is that it’s out of California.   Nevertheless, while The Bean has been to Portland many times, with the exception of a few summer weeks spent in Montana, I’ve never been further north than Santa Rosa, California.  Oregon is a complete mystery to me.

Well, okay.  It’s not a complete mystery.  I know it rains a lot there.  And, uh, it’s green, which is something I’ll have to get used to.  I’ve never lived anywhere green before.

Umm… let’s see.  What else do I know?

Rain?  Check.

Green?  Check.

Lack of sun?  Check.  What else?  Oh, yeah!  It’s been rumored that they have good coffee.  That’ll be nice.

Oh, and apparently they also have a thing called “hipsters” there, which I am looking forward to seeing.  It’ll be like bird watching, but instead of looking for brightly colored wings and differently-shaped beaks, I’ll be on the lookout for slouching 20 year olds with eyebrow rings and strange outfits.

With all of my deep wells of knowledge about the Portland area, The Bean and I immediately did what any sane couple would do when moving to an unknown area:

We bought a house.

We spent about two weeks shopping on the internet, and then once we had it narrowed down The Bean flew up there one weekend and we bought a house in a little town outside of Portland.  Since he is by far pickier than I am, I knew I could rely on his judgment.  Nevertheless, I asked him to take a lot pictures.  Ever considerate, The Bean took tons of pictures of both the inside and outside of the house.

Naturally, the camera had a severe malfunction and erased all but two of them.  Thank heavens for the pictures on the listing, or I’d be going kind of crazy. 

So, there you have it.  If you’ll notice, I have a little countdown clock on the right sidebar (not that I’m excited or anything.)  On June 1st, at way-too-early in the morning, The Bean and I will load up the kids, the cats, and the dog and start the eighteen hour journey to the Pacific Northwest.

To move to the state I’ve never visited.

To the town I’d never heard of before.

And into the home I’ve never seen.

Well.  At the very least, this should be an adventure!  Batten down your hatches, Portland, because here we come!

*********

(PS:  Congratulations,  Poniegirle!  Since we had so many correct guesses I assigned you all numbers, had The Bean choose at random, and you are the winner!  Shoot me a mailing address and I will get this box in the mail to you… Although, if I’m being honest, it’s probably going to be a week or so before I make it to the post office.)

Guess That DragonMonkey: Part Two

Posted on by
7

Kids.

Sometimes they’re sweet.

Sometimes they’re adorable.

Sometimes you wish you were a Velociraptor so you could grab them with your big angry toe claw, flip them into your mouth, and eat them.

I was so excited to play Guess That DragonMonkey.  “It’s going to be a blast, Bean!” I said excitedly.  “Every single day, I’ll post a new clue.  Having a new post every day will generate excitement, and I’ll get a lot of response.  Then, after a week of counting down, I’ll do the big reveal!”

“That’ll be fun,” said the Bean in a distracted fashion, nose-deep in an accounting textbook.

“No, really, it’s going to be awesome!”

“I’m sure it will be.”

“Can’t you just see him?  He’ll be grinning at the camera, showing off all his cuteness…. Maybe I’ll have him wear his cute fedora hat for each of the videos…. I wonder what I should have him say?  Maybe a new word every day? Maybe I can have him hold a sign with a clue?  Maybe I can get him to talk a little about the secret, and give clues that way?  Maybe…”

And so on, and so on.  I had the best of plans.  The first clue would come out on Monday.  I’d post a clue a day, with the grand finale on Friday, choose through all the winners over the weekend, and make the big announcement on the 6th.

Monday came.

And went.

Without a post.

Whoops.

On Tuesday everyone in the house was sick.  I figured nobody needed to see dripping, snotty noses so I used a practice video that I made about two months ago and did my post.

I actually got a lot of responses – it was a lot of fun.

In fact, the responses were so fun, that now I’m actually a little bit disappointed by what my news actually is.  Here is your one and only clue:

We’re not getting a pony.  🙁

Trust me:  The day I get back into owning horses instead of borrowing other people’s horses, you will all know about it.  I won’t bother with secret little videos and guessing games.  It will probably just be a picture of a horse, followed by a bunch of   “WHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!  HORSE!!!!!!!!!!!!  HORSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”, and maybe another picture of the horse. 

Anyways, Wednesday night rolled around and I pulled out my phone, ready to video tape the next installment.

“DragonMonkey, say ‘blahblah’.” (< — Hah.  You thought I was going to make a mistake and accidentally spill the beans, didn't you?)

“NO.”

“DragonMonkey, seriously, quit messing around.  Here, look at the camera.”

“Wanna see!  Give me!  Wanna see!”  He twisted up from the couch, lunging for my phone.

“NO.  Don’t touch.  Just look at it.  Say ‘blahblah’.”

He stared at me moodily.  “No.”

“Look, I’ve had a really long day.  I know you’re in a bad mood, but so am I.  Let’s just get this over with.  Just say ‘blahblah’, and I’ll go finish dinner.”

“NO.”

“DragonMonkey,”  I snapped, “I”m not asking.  I’m telling you.  SAY ‘BLAHBLAH’.”  I glared at him, camera waiting, ready to capture the cuteness.

“NO.”

“YES.”

“NO!!! NO!!!! NO!!!!”  He threw himself down melodramatically on the couch., thrashing in anguish. 

“Sit up right now, young man!  You sit up, face this camera, and you say ‘blahblah!”

“NO!  I hate blahblah!  HATE BLAHBLAH!  HATE BLAHBLAH!”  He burst into hysterical tears, flopping about on the couch like a dying fish.

“FINE.”  I shoved the phone in my pocket, annoyed at myself for the way I handled the situation.  The post could just wait until tomorrow.

The next day:

“DragonMonkey!  Gotcha!”  I  swooped him up, tickling him as he twisted about, squealing with laughter.  Once again I’d come home from work to find him in a terrible mood.  I’d been chasing after him for the last thirty minutes, trying to tickle it out of him.

“Hahahahahahahahaahaha!  More tickle!  More!  You can’t get me, Mama!”  He wiggled out of my grasp and danced impatiently, just out of my reach.

I leaned on the couch, panting.  This was exhausting.  “Hold on a second, DM.  Mama’s out of breath.”

The smile slipped from his face immediately, and his eyebrows lowered ominously.  “No.  No ‘hold on’.  Come get me,” he demanded.

“DragonMonkey, wait.”

And that’s all it took.

“Noooo!”  he screeched, throwing himself onto the floor.  “Nooo wait!  NOOOOO!  Heeeeelp!  HEEEELP ME!!! HEEEEEELP MEEEEEEE!!!!!” 

I stepped over his prone, shrieking body with a grimace, heading over to close the living room windows.  It sounded like I was skinning him alive.

“Nooo! NOOO! HELP! HELP! HELPHELPHELPHEEEEEEELP MEEEEEE…. NO!!!!!”

Seriously, I have no idea why the neighbors haven’t called Child Protective Services on me yet. 

Needless to say, we didn’t get the cute video that night, either.

Or the next.

The little booger’s been in a grumpy, uncooperative mood all week.  So, finally, I resorted to everyone’s favorite parenting method:

Bribery.

Last night we went to the used video store and bought a copy of The Polar Express, a film he’s seen only once and has been clamoring to watch again every since.

About thirty minutes ago I laid him down on the couch, turned on about three minutes of it (just enough to get him excited about it), and then put it on pause.  I took out my camera and stood in front of him.

“No, Mama!  More!  More movie!”  He squirmed on the couch, trying to see around me.

“Do you want me to turn the movie back on?”

“YES!  MORE MOVIE!”

“Young man, you do not demand, and you do not talk to adults in that tone of voice.  When you want something, you ask.  Politely.”

“Please!  Please!  Please, more movie, Mama!”  He twisted in anticipation.

“Then say “blahblah”.”

“I can’t!  I can’t say ‘blahblah’…”

“YES, you can.  Look, if you want to see this movie ever again,” I said, feeling a little bit like a hostage taker, “They you will look at this camera, and you will say it.”

And miracle of miracles, he actually said it:

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P5Ql4flcyC8]

So, there you go.  The final clue.  I hope you guys appreciate what I had to go through to get it for you.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go enjoy the last thirty minutes of relaxation before the movie ends and Angry the DragonMonkey goes on the rampage again.

Remember:  Guesses to the email ([email protected])